chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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