Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
