dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
