Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
