I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
