It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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