pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
