Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
