is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
