just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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