Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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