omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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