best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
