some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
