I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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