The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
