HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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