mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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