i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
