I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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