Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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