I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
