Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
