I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
