Please, let me fuck your mom
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
