just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Sober January is a disaster.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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