The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
