I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
