Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
