I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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