i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize