just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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