that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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