You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
