It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
