apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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