I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
