I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
