just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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