I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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