so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
