i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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