i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
