i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
