R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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