chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
