And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
