He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
