it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I am in a vortex of obligation.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
