If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
