oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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