At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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