normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Randomize
